Love Without End. Amen.

After a particularly trying day in motherhood, I collapsed in bed fully expecting to fall asleep without incident. However, my mind mind was wondering and drifting and I could not seem to wind down. It was really one of those days. One of those days when you just feel that you are sinking in the sea of parenting. Seth screamed inconsolably a good portion of the day, and Kaelan's new eye-rolling pouty response to pretty much any request I made had grated my nerves to shreds. I was tired, frustrated and now unable to gather the much needed rest I desired.
I found myself checking the clock and doing the mental countdown....if I go to sleep right now, I can get in at least 6 good hours before Seth wakes up. But then, he got up early last night, so maybe I will only get 4. Great, now another hour has passed and I can only get 3. Now 2.........don't you just hate stomach turning nights like that?
Exasperated, I flicked on my Kindle at 4:13 AM and began reading. The book I am reading deals with the tough subject manner of child abuse. Not the stuff of happy dreams.
Thus, when I finally did pass out, an excerpt from the book invaded my dreams.


In her eyes, this child epitomized her failures. And so it was that one evening as she lay in bed chain-smoking, as Vernon lay curled up beside her warmth, sound asleep, Hetty stewed over her predicament. Disgusted, she took the cigarette from her mouth and placed it to her baby's thigh...
His entire body jerked. Then, he looked up and smiled and confused warm smile, and that made her more angry. So she did it again and again until he began to scream.

The dreams were vivid. A sweet little baby lying there taking on the face of my children. Sweet Little K as a baby and now Seth, with his sparkling eyes. I could just see that initial smile of shock on their face. What just happened? Followed by a reassuring smile. Oh, it is okay, you are here, mama. And then, BAM, the realization that the mom was the source of the pain. I woke up in a pool of sweat and turned to the clock. 4:46. Did I really even fall asleep? My mind whirled back into the black hole of painful thoughts. There are kids out there who live this pain. Kids who are living it right now. I could feel the cracking in my heart as I thought of an innocent little baby who only knows how to give love, wanting only the same in return. Instead, they were on the receiving end of nothing but pain and ugliness.

5:11 AM

Through the monitor, I could hear the stirring sounds of my baby. Instead of the usual slow drag to the crib, I found myself bounding out of bed and rushing to his room. I scooped up my little guy and sniffed him in that unusual mommy manner of checking his diaper. He smelled perfect. Just a perfect little mix of sleepiness and unconditional love.

I broke the rules and carried him back to my bed to snuggle him as I fed him. I wept as he curled my finger in his small hands and sighed a sleepy sigh falling back into dreamland. As the early light began to creep through the blinds, I stared at him and smiled as he gave me a dreamy smile back.




Thank you for you love, Little Guy.  I promise to always give you and your sister what you deserve.

Such wonderful love in return.