The Outtakes

Sometimes, I am just brilliant.  

Recently, I experienced  one of those moments  of utter greatness when I decided to take our family photos for our Christmas cards on my own.  Our favorite photog gal is back in Austin, and in all the hustle and bustle of moving, it had not even dawned on me that I needed to start hunting down a new photographer here in OK.  I knew better than to even start that process around the holidays, so I thought, NO PROBLEM!   I can just set up the tripod and get a few quick shots.   I am brilliant, people.  BRILLIANT!

So, I have decided to make this a bit of a HOW TO tutorial for those of you who are up and coming in the world of brilliance and photography, though these are two areas I continue to struggle through.

Therefore, we will label this one

TIPS FOR THE BRILLIANT PHOTOGRAPHER

(FAMILY PHOTO VERSION)

Tip #1:   TAKING PICTURES THE DAY AFTER YOUR WHOLE FAMILY SUFFERS FROM THE PLAGUE HELPS TO GIVE PHOTOS A PALE GLOW.

For the first time in a very long time, the week we took these photos I had the awful, deathly, unspeakable tummy stuff that makes you want to die.   Actually, my whole family fell victim to this horrible affliction.   TMI alert!  I seriously do not do puke.  I was lucky enough to not suffer this type of sickly during my pregnancies.  I can deal with others and their puke and totally go unfazed, but MY puke?   It makes me want to, well….puke.   And jump out of tall buildings.   I don’t know how we all survived that horrendous 24 hours.  My version was more like 39 hours because remember, I AM BRILLIANT!

Doug was in bad shape, but he somehow managed to hold the team together and keep us all alive.  Bless his soul.  I think that I picked the first day of recovery as picture day to celebrate the fact that we were all alive.  

So here is the proof, world!   These bloated, dehydrated, shaky and empty-bellied  beings made it to the other side of that nasty bug, and they want to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Tip #2:   NEVER USE CHILDREN IN YOUR PHOTO SHOOTS

Tip #3:  NEVER USE CHILDREN WHO THINK THEY POSESS THE POWERS OF THE FORCE AND TRY (OFTEN) TO USE THEM ON THEIR SISTER, IN YOUR PHOTO SHOOTS

Tip #4: JUST KEEP THE CAMERA ON THE “AUTO” FEATURE FOR TRIPOD SHOOTS FOR GOODNESS SAKES.   DON’T TRY TO BE FANCY, OR YOUR HUSBAND WILL END UP LOOKING LIKE SLOUGH FROM “THE GOONIES”. 

Tip #5:   IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THE TICKLE/TICKLE METHOD TO GET YOUR KID TO SMILE FOR THE PICTURES, REMEMBER THE SELF TIMER IS TICKING AND  YOU NEED TO BRING YOUR CHILD BACK TO THE UPRIGHT POSITION BEFORE ACTION TIME. 

I have like 18 pictures of my upside down kid.

Tip #6:   DON’T PISS YOUR KID OFF AND TELL HIM NO PRIOR TO SNAP TIME.

Just remember,  YES=SMILES!

YES, you can have a pony!   YES, we are having candy for dinner!   YES, I will only refer to you as Jedi Master! 

Heed my warning, or you too will end up with 26 shots of a kid who looks like he was abducted and just wants to go home to his REAL family.

Tip #7:   DON’T TAKE SHOT (CAMERA OR BOOZE RELATED) ADVICE FROM YOUR SEVEN YEAR OLD.

Throughout the whole painful experience of this shoot, Kaelan kept blurting out brilliant (it is genetic) ideas for what we should  be doing for our pictures.

Oh, I know!   We should all climb up in the tree and hang like ornaments!

Hey!  How about we lay down in the leaf piles and jump out and yell, Merry Christmas! at the the last second?

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!!   Let’s all pretend we are falling off a big cliff and hang on to the rock wall!!

By the end of this torturous task, Doug and I finally just looked at each other and caved.  Fine.   FINE!   Let’s give in to one of her little requests and end this thing.

She totally went into director mode. 

Stand here.   Look scared!   Let Seth fall a little so it looks real!  Move left.   Bring your leg up!  We need a boulder at the top!  Work with me people!

!

I know we have a digital camera, but I was so done that I did not even bother to look at the photos until the next day.   Poor Kaelan did not even make the editing cut in her own pictures.   She moved too far out of the shot.  

Sorry, kid.   It is a tough business.

So, if you did get  a card from us this year, I apologize for the pictures.  I had hoped for a least a handful of decent shots to chose from, and I pretty much narrowed down the suitable photos to well, one. 

I hope these tips guide you in your next shoot.

On a final note,

Tip #8:   HIRE A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER  AND TIP THEM WELL.