I find myself staring at this little guy and wondering, "How is it that he is so big, so fast?"
Then I look away for a second, and look back to see this little, helpless being who still needs me and depends on me to protect and care for him.
Someday, when he is a big burly man with man hair on his body that omits man smells, out on a football field taking blows that crush him, I think I will still see that sweet, wittle baby face staring helplessly from the swing.
Then, I will probably run out on the field and whoop up on some other mother's wittle baby to protect mine and get hauled off in the paddy wagon.
For now, I will just stare at him in wonder....sigh.
I knew she wanted a sibling. She really didn't care, boy or girl, just "please, please, please God, send us a little brother or sister", she prayed each night.
The day we told her she was going to be a big sister, she cried. Real tears. Then came the cherry on top. We told her it wasn't going to be through adoption like we had thought. This baby was really an answered prayer. Mommy was going to have a baby, and it was a brother. You could have offered her the moon instead, and she would have refused. Tears. Real tears of joy.
I knew that when she saw him for the first time she would love him, but I had no idea how deep that love would be.
You have a second mother, little boy. I know that may not be the best news for you, but just know, this girl has your back. She will probably drive you crazy with her overprotective ways, but she will ALWAYS have your back.
If given the choice of playground or hanging with her little bro, the boy wins hands down.
I had no idea he would cast that kind of spell on her.
Each time she comes and speaks to him, his eyes open wide and the volume of his cries weakens to a whimper. She mumbles sweet words in his ears. Sweet little words that are secret for just those two. Whatever they are, they calm him. Mom gets to change his diaper without the wails and all is right with the world.
I had no idea how helpful she would be in her wise five year old ways.
I had no idea that my heart could expand so, and allow me to love again the way I have loved my first. Watching the love pour from her has made it so simple.
I hope they always share this bond. Even when he keeps going in her room (when he is not allowed), or colors in her favorite notebook with permanant marker, or throws a perfume bottle at her and chips her front tooth, or sells her bike to the kids down the street, or cuts up her clothes to make G.I. Joe combat gear. Yep, I have a little brother, and I had no idea what a booger he would be.....but I love him dearly.
Valentine's Day means the time of year for the Daddy/Daughter Dance is at hand.
This annual event was a little different this year.
Doug and Kaelan made plans to attend the dance, they had bought their tickets and highlighted this special day on the calendar. We had fully expected our new little bundle would have arrived a few weeks before the event when we bought the tickets, but he held out much longer than the doctors or any us could have imagined, and that meant things were a little hectic around dance day. The day he came home from the hospital turned out to be the same day as the dance.
Usually, mommy gets to help out with the big event. I get to help pick out the dress or fix up the hair. This year I wasn't able to help out much at all. The doctors let us leave the hospital two days before they were planning (still a 4 day stay) ONLY if we agreed to bubble ourselves off, have no visitors and wear masks. This limited me on what I could do, so the dress and hair drama had to fall on someone else. I think Kaelan and dad did a fine job. Wouldn't you agree?
I must say, when I saw these shoes, I was a little nervous, but they did match the dress! (Thanks to grandma for that dress!)
Dad said Kaelan was quite shy and didn't want to dance much this year....that is until Michael Jackson hit the speakers. She has a new infatuation with MJ. The two went out for dinner/dessert after the dance, and even brought home a special dessert for mama. In years past, the night of daddy/daughter dance was a night out with the girls for mom. This year, I spent it with a fabulous guy....poopy diapers and all.
aka: Otis, Sugar Britches, Pickle, BoogerBoo, and Mr. Snuffastinkapuss
Age: 2 weeks and counting
But does age really matter???? Can I get an AMEN, Ashton Kutcher?
Stats: Height: Long (almost 20 inches), Hair Color: Dark (what little hair I have), and HANDSOME
Relationship Status: SINGLE!
Occupation: Lactation consultant/Diaper Engineer
Musical Tastes: Love the Vacuum Cleaner, White Noise and the sound of my sister's voice
Hobbies: Sleeping, Eating at only the finest of establishments, travel (love my carseat), Eating, Staring at things until my eyes cross
Apartment or Home: Right now I'm crashing at my parent's house....in their room actually. I have my own pad (still in their house), but I am not quite ready to be out on my own just yet.
Describe the perfect first date: Basically, it would involve a nice tour of the neighborhood in a comfy double stroller. A tasty meal (taken in my usual Slllooooowwwww manner). Perhaps a little tummy time (on separate mats....I'm not that kind of guy), a peaceful nap and ending with a relaxing dip in my warm baby tub (but without full submersion, as I have not yet lost my umbilical cord). You game?
Goals: Get on a good schedule and sleep 7-9 hours uninterrupted a night (wait...I think that is my mom's goal). Keep my clothing poo free (another of mom's). AND do my best not to baptize mom with my golden showers during diaper change time.
Your world forever changed this week, and I wanted to take a moment to tell you that change did not pass by unnoticed by those of us who love you deeply. For many years, you have been the focus, the drive, the universe in mine and daddy's lives. That has not changed now, nor will it ever. Simply said, all that has happened, is that space you occupy is now a pocket in which you AND your brother reside. No one gets more space, more love, more universe, it is quite simply a shared space. Equally portioned. You will hear that a lot when you get older, the old saying about how your heart grows when you have a second child, and you don't stop loving the other child more, you just grow a bigger heart and share the love. It all sounds so silly until it happens. It really just happens. Like that wiggly tooth that you feel so anxious and scared will hurt when you tug it out, and then it just falls out and you feel nothing. Then you think, was that it? Really? How simple. It just happens.
I will admit that these first few days with your brother have been an adjustment. Daddy and I worried so much about how you would take the changes. WE are the ones who are struggling. You.....you just go with the flow. At times you are the one with the calming words of reassurance. I physically hurt when I think of you holding him in your arms for the first time. He stared at you. You stared at him, and when you finally looked up, you were almost crying. "I really do love him, mom.", you said. I know you do. I really know you do.
Now you have a taste of what dad and I feel each time we look at the two of you.
This journey is not always going to be rainbows and lollipops. The little guy can scream and he can demand a lot of patience and time. Sometimes it is going to cut into YOUR time, but I just ask that you remember how much he loves you and give that time willingly.
I love that every time you hear him cry, you come peeking in to check on him. "Is he okay, mama? Do you need any help?".
Every day, this little boy is teaching and reteaching us the things that are most important. Patience, kindness and love. Most of all love.
I love you, Kaelan. I really, really do.
Love,
Mama
P.S. I will put it in writing so someday you will know just how forgiving you were of your little brother. Today when he spit up on your shirt, you simply laughed it off and sweetly whispered in his ear, "That's okay, little guy. Your throw up is not that bad. It looks like bird poop, but it does not smell and it came from you so I am not mad."
A little over 8 months ago, I sat in a doctor's office with sweat beading on my brow and upper lip awaiting the inevitable soft knock on the door followed by the entry of the doctor. When the knock happened and the door opened in one fast motion, I sat up straight and prepared myself for the lashing to come. I was pregnant. I knew I was, now he probably knew I was, and he didn't want me to be.
This was the first doctor to tell me that pregnancy was just not going to be the best option for me. Not at that time, and maybe not ever. He wasn't exactly friendly in the way he told me, but he was very stern in telling me to take precautions in preventing it. I did. I had reached the stage of resigning to not carry another child. Heck, we were knee deep, no make that neck deep in the adoption process.
What I didn't expect to hear was what the doctor said to me in that visit.
"Well, this IS the reason the medical field offers us 'options'. There are ways to fix these kind of issues and get you out of this kind of pickle."
Pickle? Options? Lots of token words, but later in the conversation he used stronger words that stung. Words like "terminate". Words like abortion.
That wasn't my favorite day. I had two more doctors to face with the same news and I dreaded the same response. I went to a specialist a week later completely ready to break up with yet another doctor. I wasn't even going to let the conversation start down that same path. I just decided to cut it off at the start and explain the "option" was not for me, give her the "it isn't you it's me" speech and break up with her. If I had to go at this pregnancy without the field of medicine, so be it.
I gave the news to the nurse as she checked my blood pressure. I knew she would write it on my chart, and I knew Dr. Chadha would see it before she entered my room. Maybe this would shorten my dreaded visit. Less talk for me.
.
Dr. Chadha has always been a matter of fact, say it like it is kind of doctor. I would not call her cold, but she comes from a culture that is not very touchy-feely with emotions....something she shared with me once. She will feed you the bad news first, and then follow it with the really bad news. Sometimes she pats my leg on her way out, but usually, she gives me a firm handshake and a paper that tells me all the things that are wrong with my body. See you in 3 weeks.
I expected the "I told you pregnancy was not an option" speech to be much harsher than with the last doctor.
Then came the soft knock and swoop of the door.
Dr. Chadha came in the room, set down her chart, and looked straight into my eyes. "Congratulations!", she said, as she reached out and hugged me. I was in complete shock.
"So you are pregnant. Let's get a game plan together on how we are going to do this."
She grabbed her chart and we jumped right in.
I tell you this background story because that day was the big turn for me in the miracle I am living. I had not even told Doug about our baby. I was scared, worried, upset, thrilled, and lonely in my news and Dr. Chadha not only jumped on my sinking boat that day, she paddled me to shore.
This pregnancy has been a miracle. Each day it is more miraculous than the day before. We are welcoming a baby boy to our family in just a few days. A baby I dreamed about, but never thought I would meet.
I waited a few weeks after my doctor's visits to tell Doug the news. It was Father's Day morning. I purposly held out so I could tell him on this special day. His reaction was even better than Dr. Chadha's.
I secretly caught it on tape.
On a side note: I still hope to capture and burn that Vote for Pedro shirt. I've always hated that thing.
What you don't see on that video is the moments following that announcement when Doug cupped my face in his hands and reassured me that this was meant to be and EVERYTHING was going to be fine.
And I fully believed him.
There was never really any other option but to bring this little guy home to his adoring big sister and loving parents.
And that is what we will do.
Kaelan: Darian, I need to talk to you about something.
Darian: Okay.
Kaelan: D, this is not good news. It is something that is really, really serious and really, really might make you sad.
Darian: Okay.
Kaelan: I will just tell you this and it may make you sad. It made me very sad.
Darian: Okay. You can tell me.
Kaelan: Darian.......The Beatles broke up.
(Long quiet pause. Probably for a moment of silence.)
